Wagging the Rabid Dog

Or maybe just a dog that's brushing its teeth, and it only looks rabid. Let me explain.

Tonight I went to the local Walgreen's to buy some toothpaste and gumdrops. The ying and the yang of this purchase is not lost on me, but that is not the purpose of this post. What was more interesting to me was how the toothpaste species have evolved over the past 24 months.

Emily is usually the one who goes to Walgreen's for things like toilet paper and saline solution, while I do most of the shopping at the co-op. At the co-op the only toothpaste available is shit like "Crunchy Jane's Homemade Organic Toothpaste--Made with 100% Organic Sand!" No thanks.

So don't be taken aback when I say I haven't purchased toothpaste in over a year; Emily has that covered for me.

But I was taken aback by the fact that the "Sensitive Teeth" genre of toothpaste is gone. What the fuck? Each major brand had its own "Sensitive Teeth" toothpaste formula. Now they've gone the way of the Spice Girls, Hansen, and The Baja Men.

And now Crest has five, I am not exagerating here, FIVE different types of "teeth whitening" toothpastes. They also had a toothpaste that fought tartar and one devoted to preventing cavities. No shit? Toothpaste that prevents cavities. Who knew?

Five years ago Sensitive Teeth toothpaste was all the rage in toothpaste technology. And I really felt my teeth hurt less when I drank/ate cold things once I began bushing with this toothpaste. Who knows, maybe it was a placebo effect. But the fact is they marketed this toothpaste for all the millions of people with sensitive teeth. We would never have to cringe when drinking ice water again! And now it's gone. As if all of us millions of people suddenly don't care about our sensitive teeth as long as they are bleached and match the porcelain in our sink.

I know the sensitive tooth bit was an adverstising gimmick, but I liked that damn toothpaste!

And now for my main point. It may seem a little odd for me to go and on about toothpaste and how it's marketed, but it seems even odder to me, and a little creepy, that there are marketing firms out there wagging the toothpaste dog. A couple years ago, I am sure they realized the "sensitive teeth" toothpaste bit had run its course, and they needed something to juice up the toothpaste game. Then along came the whole tooth whitening fad and boom, there was the new pot of gold they were looking for.

I mean seriously, one brand of toothpaste with FIVE different types of tooth whitening toothpaste formulas? It's as absurd as a guy writing about toothpaste for ten minutes.